Do's & Don't's of Porn Store Patronage
I manage a porn store. I'm there 50 hours a week. I see a number of examples of good and bad behaviour every day. Sadly, the good behaviour is incredibly rare, and the bad behaviour is rampant. Some of these tips can be used in everyday shopping and are not exclusive to smut shopping. However, there are certain things that apply strictly to those trips to the porn store. Use common sense (surely the most UNcommon commodity in existence) and ignore these tips at your own risk. Please note that all examples of good AND bad behaviour listed here have all happened in my store. I couldn't possibly make this shit up.
1) Ask questions.
It's why we're there. Well, we're *there* to earn a paycheque, but we really want to answer your questions. We get bored, and we know a lot of stuff about where things are located, how things are used, and what NOT to do when you're trying to convince your significant other that anal sex is a really good idea. If you don't ask us, you won't find out, and you may make some unnecessary mistakes. Example: A gentleman walked into my store and inquired about which DVDs would be more appropriate for him to watch with his partner. She preferred a little something with a storyline, as opposed to the usual wall-to-wall selections he brought home. I was more than happy to talk to him about the various studios that produce that sort of thing, and describe the basic differences between, say, Vivid and Andrew Blake. He was pleased, and then went on to ask me about different toys. It was a lovely interaction. After he left, one of our regular customers who has been a renter for some time (years, really) said to me "Wow. I'm really glad he asked you that. I had no idea you carried stuff like that, with a storyline. I thought it was just all the same stuff over and over again. Guess I've just been renting from the wrong sections!" Had he chosen to ask me this question months ago, he wouldn't have been laboring under this delusion, and probably would have been much happier with his selections.
1a. Do not think that asking for a particular title, or using a particular word is going to offend me.
I've just checked in movies with titles like "Granny Gets Ass-Fucked", "Cum Dumpster", and "Shut Up And Blow Me". If you think that using the word "pussy" is going to offend me, you're dead wrong. Please, I appreciate your trying to be polite, but just say the words, for goodness' sake. The only thing you can say to offend me is call me "young lady".
2) Open your eyes and look around you.
The signs aren't there because they're pretty, and they're not there for my amusement. We put the signs up to inform you of something. New store hours, holiday closings, and the answer to the eternal question "What's downstairs?" are all contained on signs. We put them in places where you will see them and I post anything new or time-sensitive up higher than my own eye level so that the average male can't help but see it. The signage is usually on bright coloured paper, to attract the eye. Also, retail stores change their setups all the time. Just because there's now toys where the DVDs used to be doesn't mean that we took the DVDs away. Were you to open your eyes and actually *focus* on the back of the store where you're staring, you'd see those very same DVDs just waiting there calling your name. However, staring at the toys that are now where the DVDs used to live will NOT bring the DVD's back to where they were. I'm sorry. I mean, keep trying, and use The Force and all that, but unless you did some serious time in the Dagobah System, it's not gonna work. Just look around. If I tell you that the Spanish DVDs are on the "back wall", do NOT look at the side wall for ten minutes and then come back to me and tell me that there's no Spanish DVDs that you can find. Had you looked on the BACK WALL, you would see the Spanish DVDs.
3) The Customer Is Not EITHER Always Right
I'm sorry, but it's true. You're not in WalMart, you're not in a grocery store, you're not even in Blockbuster. There are some things that cannot be done. Returning a movie because you "didn't really like it that much" doesn't wash, and it even says on the receipt that VHS/DVD purchases may be returned IF DEFECTIVE, and must be returned WITH RECEIPT. I'm sorry that you didn't like it. You should have looked more closely at the box, because the box tends to show you exactly what you're getting. IF the box grossly misrepresents what's in the actual movie (this happens rarely, but it does happen with some of the lesser companies), and you're not a dick about it, I'm more than happy to exchange the movie for you.
That novelty can NOT be returned *for any reason at all*. No, I don't care. If it left the store, that's it. After that, I have no idea what you've done to it, and even if you swear Scout's Honor that you didn't even take it out of the box, I'm not taking it back. Ew. Aside from the Ew Factor, it's also against the law for me to take it back. Since it seems pretty important, I'll repeat that: It's against the law for me to take it back. Questions?
Same for your digital scale. Come ON, people. Reading is your friend. It says right in the instructions that it is not to be brought back to the vendor but sent directly to the manufacturer if it malfunctions. I'm supposed to bend the rules for YOU? No. I don't care how hardcore gangsta you are. Threatening me isn't going to change it. Go be tough somewhere else. I don't sell defective products on purpose. Perhaps if you had followed the instructions in the first place and "GENTLY place the calibration weight on the scale - DO NOT DROP IT ONTO THE SCALE", then you wouldn't be having these problems. But that's just a guess.
And speaking of bending the rules, this applies most of all to video/dvd renters. They're the ones who trot out the "when I go to (insert store name here), the customer is always right" the most often, and pretty much, it makes me homicidal. Because when they trot that one out, they are actively NOT being right, and they know it, and they want me to bend the rules just for them. No, and fuck you, by the way. I'm not waiving your goddamn late fees *again*. I'm not waiving them "just this once". I'm not waiving them because you insist that you're a "really good customer". I'm not waiving them "y'know...for customer relations". Matter of fact, when you try this, I'm tempted to charge you extra. Pay your late fees, take your lumps, and return them ON TIME next time. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Me and my store should not have to be penalized for your poor time management skills. How on earth you manage to keep that six-figure job with a lack of such skills amazes me, but perhaps you don't deem this a priority and figure that you can talk your way out of it. It doesn't work, and you can whinge all you want to. It makes me more determined to charge your ass. If you have a real extenuating circumstance, then TELL me. Do not whinge. It will not work.
We have customers who are ALWAYS late. Like, many days late. They know that there are fees attached, and they pay them, without comment or problem. There was, however, one time where one of these customers was later than usual. He had to leave town unexpectedly because his mom died. He told me how many days he was out of town, I waived those days, he was happy to pay the rest because he knew that those days were his responsibility.
4) It's a job. It's work. Those are products.
Look, I work in a porn store. The operative word there is "work". And even though I'm here all day looking at penises and boobies and people having sex, I'm not dying for a shag every second of the day. No, I'm really not. I'm working. Yeah, every once in a while I'll see something that trips my trigger, but I don't walk around the store with a constant moistie. Am I frigid? No. But I have a job to do. I have never gone into the bathroom to beat off in the middle of the day because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I'm working. If I see something that really gets me going, I'll store it in my head for later, when I get home.
5) Do not fetishize or otherwise make passes at your Friendly Counter Person (FCP)
We are not interested. We are working. If we ARE interested, chances are we'll find a really good way of letting you know. Until that time, just restrain yourself. My night guy isn't looking for a "daddy", I'm taken even if I'm not married. Just because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm not in a relationship. Should you take the chance and your FCP tells you that they're not interested, *believe them*. Now is the time to stop asking. If I won't go out for a drink with you, do not then offer to bring a bottle of Alize to the store, get me drunk, and then suggest the bathroom as a nice place for a tryst. I've seen airline bathrooms with more room in them, and customers have been using our bathroom all day. It does not make me feel even slightly amorous to go in there.
Also, do not try to start a "scene", or use us to get you off unless you are in the privacy of your own home. I once had a Dom who was just cutting his Master teeth come in and try to...well, dominate me. I very quickly told him that this was NOT a scene and that he should save it for the person with the collar and the safe words. My night guy had a guy who used to come in and just moooooon over him, standing at the counter making stupid small talk and staring. One fine evening, MBL realized that this particular admirer was taking candid photos of him using a camera-phone. *shudder* We also get those who (rather than just being shy about saying Those Words) try to talk around what they want so they can get us to say things like "anal sex", "gangbang", or "orgy". This excites them, and they get a big stiffie, and they never buy anything, so it's really obvious. Don't be that guy. We hate that guy.
Also, if we're in one of the movies in the store we either will tell you or show you. Otherwise, you can safely assume that we are not. We're not in the movies. We don't want to be in *your* movie, and we don't care how good of a director you just know you could be. You wanna get into this professionally, go get the Adam's Film World Directory and write to some studios. I don't have any connections. I sell dildos.
6) "Set it and forget it!"
If you have given us a complaint or suggestion, rest assured that we have heard you and are doing what we can to change it to your liking. We do not make the rules. We follow them, but we may not like them either. We do not like to see sales walking out of our store any more than you like walking out empty-handed. No, really. Seriously. No, I really really mean it. So. You have registered your complaint. Leave. It. Alone. Unless we have asked you to reiterate it for us, we already know that you're upset or dissatisfied and why. Let us do what we can. It may not be much, but it's all we can do. Wheels of change grind slowly and all that. We are trying. If we have done something like put out a suggestion box (or one exists already), USE IT. Do not simply tell us again how cranky you are about this and how much business we're losing, because we KNOW. We're there every single day, and chances are excellent that you're not the first one to say something about it. We appreciate your input, and we're working on it. Please stand by.
7) Tape boxes and DVD cases.
I don't know how anyone else does it, but in my store, there is ONE way the tapes go in the boxes easily. It's not a tough thing to figure out that if you have to force the case closed, or it simply won't close no matter what you do, it's not in there right. The DVD cases are labeled with a sticker that tells us which DVD it should contain. When you mix them up and put the DVDs in the wrong cases, there's a chance that they will stay that way. Then somebody gets the wrong DVD in the right case. Not such a bad thing, except that when a wildly homophobic man thinks he's bringing home a nice Wicked feature, possibly starring Jenna Jameson, to ease the little woman into the world of porn and ends up seeing "Cocks In Frocks 12", this can lead to an Issue. A little consideration toward the other renters goes a long way (and might even get you a lollipop or Fun Size candybar from me as a Good Renter Treat). Is this petty? Yes. But it's my pet peeve, and it's my web site.
8) Nobody in the store cares about your kink except you and me.
Ask the question, ask for directions, ask for a buttplug recommendation. Stop looking around sheepishly. Everyone else in the store feels just as guilty as you do walking around in there, and they're too busy trying to be inconspicuous to worry about what you want. They're not going to follow you out of the store and kick your ass because you're into midgets. They're into geriatric cream pies, and they're too embarrassed about *their* thing to be too concerned about yours.
9) Do not ask me for child pornography.
I realize that some stores run a little "under the counter" biz in that kind of shit, but chances are, the shop you're in doesn't. Asking for it will make the staff hate you. It will also probably make us call the police and report your ass, if you're skeevy enough. if you tell us "Oh yeah, I know it's illegal but I download it all the time. If you ever change your mind and decide to order some for me, here's my card" then we're *definitely* calling the police on your ass.
10) It's not a library.
I know that we have all manner of fascinating things to look at. However, if you wish to do nothing but read, go to the Library, or go to one of those bookstores with the cafe and the comfy chairs. It's really obvious that you're a cheap bastard when you just come in, spend an hour flipping through magazines, and then leave with nothing but a smile and a tent in your sweatpants. We hate you too. You take up valuable real estate at the magazine racks, and most of my other customers see that tent and don't wish to shop anywhere near you, and so I lose more sales.
11) Keep it to yourself.
Unless your local Adult Emporium is a noted cruise spot, leave the other customers alone. I mean, of course if they give you A Look and A Smile, feel free to say hello or whatever. But just because you see somebody attractive to you doesn't mean that they're attractED to you. Do not follow them around unless they are inviting you to do so. If they are ignoring you, leave them alone. If we see that you do not leave them alone, we will ask you to leave the store. Also, if you are a heterosexual male and some people of the female gender come into the store, show some restraint. They're not there for YOU. They're probably a little nervous being in there at all, and they don't need you staring and leering and pinching your nipples. (Yes, this really happened and the girls left the store and I lost the sales. Thankfully, they told me why they left the store, and Mr. Pinchy got a sound talking-to. Seriously, people. Control yourselves! Just because we sell dirty things doesn't mean that all normal rules of society are on hold the second you walk through th door. Unless, of course, that's wht you find acceptable in everyday society, in which case, you scare me.)
12) Keep your fluids to yourself.
I don't know how it happens that some people are in SUCH A RUSH to change DVDs or tapes that they can't take 2 seconds to wipe their hands. It's fucking gross, though. I don't care if it's spooge or lube, it's disgusting, and it makes me want to hurl. I am simply not paid enough to deal with your biohazard (and yes, it is a biohazard, thank you). You are a disgusting pig, and the whole staff will know that you brought in rentals like that. Oh yes, yes we will. You will get THAT look from us, and we won't want to touch any of your future rentals without putting them through an autoclave first. You disgust us. Take the two freakin' seconds during that refractory period and WIPE OFF for goodness' sake. Get yourself some nice Cum Kleen towels or Pleasure Wipes already. Don't make us charge you a cleaning fee, because we will. By the same token, when you get caught doing this type of thing, own it, apologize, and never let it happen again. Don't get attitude with me because YOU'RE disgusting. Not our fault.
13) Vibration is not just for girls.
If a vibrating thing touches your manly maleness, it will not make every wrist muscle disappear, and you will not suddenly develop a lisp. It's just nerve endings. Chill out. People are *born* gay, they're not *made* gay with a simple touch of The Hitachi Magic Wand. Find a buzzy thing that isn't penis shaped (we carry plenty), take it home, and apply it to your Taint. Or maybe the inside of your thigh. Tingly! Fun! Enjoy!
14) If you get your girlfriend a vibrator, she will not suddenly have no more use for you and your penis.
Unless you're really lame. And if you're that lame, then you should have seen this coming anyway.
15) Bring your I.D. with you.
What on earth you're doing walking/driving around without proof of identification these days, in this administration, I have no idea anyway. Especially should you happen to be Not White in any way, shape or form. You should ALWAYS have that shit with you. If you wanna get into MY store, and you look like you might be younger than me, I'm gonna ask you for it. Don't tell me "it's in the car", "it's in my other pants", or "I'm not gonna buy anything - can't I just help my friend pick something out?". No. go get it, or don't bother. I'd hate to lose the sales, but it comes down to this: If I get busted, it's not the company that pays the fine. It's me. By the sheer basic virtue of the fact that I'm working retail, I can't afford the fine. Bring your I.D. Oh, and if you tell me that 'that's greeazy' and start hollering about how you're gonna go to our competition, well, have fun. Cuz then I'm calling the competition with a friendly, neighbourly little heads-up with your full description. Have fun!
16) Get a babysitter.
No, your child cannot come in to my store. If it can open it's eyes, it's too young to be in my store. If it's a toddler, it's WAY too young to be in my store. We have many brightly coloured things on the walls, very graphic photos on our video boxes, and you don't really want to have to explain to your child just what a penis pump is, do you? No, and you won't get the chance, because I'm kickin' your child out. Look - if you wanna spice things up a little, I think that's AWESOME, I really do. But while you're shopping for the right spices, get a babysitter. Seriously. If you're coming in for ANY reason, leave the child with somebody you trust. When I tell you that you can't have the child in my store, do not ask me "Why not???". It's against the fucking law, that's "why not", you DOLT!!! Do not park the child right outside my door while you run in real quick to just grab something. Do not leave the child unattended on my sidewalk, on my stoop, or in your car by itself. Leave it with somebody you trust.
Well, that's all for now. This is a list that grows and grows, but for right now, this will have to do. Take care and have fun. Just remember that there are basic rules that should be followed. Thinking before you speak, having some respect for those around you, having some respect for those of us who are trying to help you. Enjoy! I'm outta here until next time.